The Battle Begins...Again

The trees have eyes.

Or so it seemed last night when I stepped back onto campus for the first Mass of the year. For most Bukowski veterans, it's an event at which to see and be seen, to reunite with old pals over Cheezits and thin mint cookies. But I found it impossible to concentrate on the high-pitched back-to-school chatter. Nor could I relax and enjoy the contorted face of the visiting priest as he struggled, eyes closed and nose wrinkled, to remain piously reverent through the hand clapping and piano pounding of our traditional Hallelujah.

No, I was wound up like a paranoid schizophrenic, eyes darting from one suspect to the next, ears tuned to hear words unspoken. Ever since the John Corvino blowup last year, I've been waiting for the hammer to come down, a new policy to be announced, and the Pope to arrive and personally escort every gay student off campus.

Of course, it won't happen that obviously. I'm on the lookout for a gradual takeover, the rule of conservative Catholic hierarchy imposed in small phases. As an admitted Harry Potter devotee, I think of the way the Ministry of Magic commandeered Hogwarts, toad-like Umbridge nailing increasingly unreasonable restrictions onto the wall, and I listen for her "hem hem" at every turn. I can see it now, scrolls tacked to the walls of AB:

Educational Decree #1: John Corvino postponed.
Educational Decree #2: Controversial viewpoints may only be presented on campus if students are also spoon-fed Catholic propaganda determined by those in power.
Educational Decree #3: In light of Decree #2, John Corvino cancelled.
Educational Decree #4: New policy must be written...
Educational Decree #48: Gender Studies' annual drag dance no longer to be permitted...
Educational Decree #119: GLBT student group the Alliance to be refused funding...
Educational Decree #271: Health Center strictly forbidden to offer contraceptives...
Educational Decree #399: Women Studies Center must limit speakers to topics approved by a (male) priest...
Educational Decree #451: Aquinas joins Calvin and Cornerstone to forbid actively gay students from its learning community.

Everyone seems to have forgotten about this new policy-to-be, and in my paranoid state, I suspect the administration may employ subterfuge to slip something through quietly. Last night's homily, a cold and stern lecture on the Seven Deadly Sins, offered no reassurance.

In the meantime, I've staked a lookout from Fort Benincasa, a stronghold of liberal Catholicism equipped with an armory of dangerous guns--oops, I mean Nuns.

And when the battle begins, we'll be ready.